• Deborah Charles-Nelson

'Just A Little Bit Fat'

Updated: Nov 28, 2019


I've always felt just a little fat most of my life. I was teased in school for being chubby and even by family members and it kind of became my 'identity' so to speak. Primary school was particularly tough at times as "shut up though, your fat" was always the come-back line for any argument. But to tell you the truth I didn't know I was the chubby girl or identify with it until then. At home with my parents and siblings I was just me: the girl who loved to sing, and at the top of her lungs might I add and life in those moments was so care free and I didn't care about what I looked like or my size, much like a 7 year old should. There's one memory that stands out as clear as day: "Get her some bigger sizes clothes can you not see she's too big for it!?" That's what my uncle said to my mum on Christmas day. He must not of realised I was just coming around the corner. I looked down as my matching mocha top and midi skirt- "but I love this outfit" and in all honesty I looked at myself in the mirror more than 10 times that Christmas day and before that moment, I saw nothing wrong with my size in fact I was pleased with what I saw staring back at me. - It's crazy to think that a lot of what we think of ourselves was never our own thoughts or feelings but overtime we have chosen to accept is the right way to look.- Anyway let's get back to it, I think from then on and for other reasons I can't quite divulge as yet, I became uncomfortable in my skin. I was only a little girl but I quickly realised that size can offend people. And until now I'm still trying to appreciate my body. I wrote in my previous post 'Summer body goals I don't want' that I cared a lot less of what people thought of me but I've realised that I haven't worked much on what 'I' think of me. I had to ask myself these real and honest questions: is 'self love' just a bunch of schpull that is trendy on social media that we feel obliged to follow? or is it something you truly believe in and are working on? Do you truly believe you are worthy of your own love or is it just something you say? And to be very honest and frank with you sis, recently I haven't. I haven't felt very worthy. I can make up a hundred excuses as to why, but some of them being I haven't been consistent with working out, eating healthy of drinking my water and my minding my business lol. It's the last few months of this decade (can you believe it? This decade!) and I have felt so unmotivated. I have felt defeated. I have felt like throwing in every towel I own. But and yes there's always a but, what good will it do me to wallow in my self-pity. I can't encourage you to "fight through fear" and to "keep going despite the failures" if I don't. But I'm choosing to put this out there because feeling lost, unmotivated and unproductive happens to all of us. But we have to put on our boss woman boots and keep walking or limping foward as long as the job gets done. Fall and get back up. So I am choosing today to re-write my past and my unhealthy relationship with food and my body. Too long have I pushed my body to the extreme to lose weight, I want to make a real long lasting change. A change that includes not just a healthier body but a healthy and happy mindset. A mindset that doesn't hate myself after eating a slice of birthday cake or if I didn't get to the gym 5 times in week. But one that understands that this is a life style change, as cliché as that sounds, but it's true I will have to live with this body that God has so graciously given me so why not truly start to love it correctly. Not just for a season or for the trend online but for real. For you. You owe it to yourself. So my goals for the rest of 2019 is to take each day as it comes. And to try my absolute best to keep pressing on despite what my mind might try to have me believe.

Simply Deborah